The Therapy Hangover

I have been in therapy for two years now and have come up with a few things to help me through the experience.

When I began I was always exhausted afterwards (even though most of the time it wasn't a distressing session), so I did some research on what might be the issue and discovered the term "therapy hangover". 

I had already made the decision right at the beginning that I should only do therapy on Fridays and after work, so that I would have the weekend to recover.  

That was okay for the first year or so, but eventually I just didn't stop being exhausted.

So now here I am, the only time that I do go out now is to see my therapist...once a month.

Quite the reversal of how things used to be.

Still, I plan ahead, free up the actual day and make sure I have things in place for when I get home again.

 I spend a lot of energy just getting there and back (forty minute drive each way), and I have talked for sixty minutes about myself.  So by the time I get home my introverted self is just exhausted, mentally and physically.  What I understand about myself is that when I am at my most tired I am also at my most anxious and I can't control my startle reflex.  Noise is not really welcome at the best of times, but when I am like that, it is awful, and I desperately need silence and solitude.  

I can't always get that, so I have a backup or two.   

FLARE earplugs will help a little .  I have a set for home and one for when I go out.  It does help to filter out the extra stimuli.   During the winter months, my weighted blanket is also really great.  I love curling up and napping under that.

I've mentioned before the importance of good quality leftovers, so for tomorrow I have prepared a big pot of mild vegetable curry and some basmati rice.   

My favourite comfy clothes are clean and ready for me and I have bookmarked some somatic exercise videos on YouTube that I would like to try.  

The basic three are covered... rest, exercise and nutrition.

Good job Me.

 

Real Luxury

 

The Next Step

During Big Nasty Trauma #3 in 2020, I discovered Lucy Wyndham Read on YouTube.  First, I think it's truly remarkable that I was doing things like exercise whilst I was going through something really, really awful (and it didn't  even have anything to do with the pandemic!).    It is something to think about later...

It was a challenge that caught my eye... seven minutes for seven days, and I thought that was do-able for me.  

Later years I only managed to workout during the holidays and summer, and it was depressing  when I went back to work because I just didn't have the energy to do more than my job.  I was gaining weight (which just made it even harder for me to move), and I was too tired to do a lot of anything. 

It took an embarrassing amount of time for me to understand/ accept the issues.  It was when I was on my way back from the emergency room in July that I realised I couldn't do both.  I can't work and do all the things I believe I need to do to get healthy.  I couldn't eat, sleep or even exercise properly.  

So I made a choice.  I chose me.  

I still have a bunch of things to sort out but I know what I need to do.  So doing one thing at a time, I will eventually get there.   

I am already doing well with nutrition and sleep, so it's the exercise I need to get established now.  I really do want to exercise every day, but I will have to be careful for a while.   

I had Lucy in mind for when I was ready to start.  Her  exercise videos have grown in number and inclusiveness.   From five to fifteen minute programs, seated,  mobility and somatic workouts there seems to be no limit to what Lucy is willing to try just to reach everyone.  

Now that I have been given clearance to exercise I will be using Lucy's workouts to begin with.  Starting with this one: 

5 Minute Mobility

I am cautiously optimistic and hopeful for what Lucy calls "your future health."

Sinkholes

I had my post-op checkup with my doctor day before yesterday.  Everything is fine...my pathology was good, my incisions have mostly healed, the bruises are gone. 

So yesterday I fell into a sinkhole (my name for an emotional low).  Everything felt oppressing, I was tired, scared, raw and vulnerable. I startled easily.

I can't seem to be able to shut off my mind when this happens. I'm always trying to figure out what is wrong, what triggered this etc.,  And the best that I can determine from this ruminating is that I am now beginning to process this latest event, now that it has been officially concluded. 

So while I was in this sinkhole, I practiced self-compassion by soothing myself in healthy ways.   I  really wanted to binge on something but since I've been a homebody for over a month now, all I had was good, healthy leftovers to snarf down (my usual binge foods would have made me very sick... high fat and or high sugar).  I have absolutely no interest in those kinds of foods anymore.  I had a container of penne with a creamy pesto sauce (all plant based).  Perfect comfort food.  I've been measuring out portions for months now (since the first attack), and after the surgery I have been eating about a cup of food at each meal.  So really, it wasn't so much as a binge but me having a yummy bowl of pasta every few hours 😋 

I can't stress enough the importance of high quality leftovers.

I also had a bubble bath, washed my hair and put on my comfiest sweats and  hoodie.  Tapped some coloring pages, read some fan fiction.  Rested.  

Everytime I started to ruminate again, I reminded myself that I had just gone through something stressful, and that I needed time to process and heal.

So love and compassion really do work when you figure out what that means for yourself. 

I feel better today and I'm happy with myself for not being destructive but nurturing instead.  Good Job me!

Love and Hearts

Every Sunday, Lennnie the Blob sends a reel to my Instagram app.  It's loving, supportive, and very intuitive.  Somehow Lennnie always knows what I need to hear 💖

I have shared many of Lennnie's reels to my loved ones as they manage to say what I have not been able to as an awkward, anxious introvert. 

 So thanks Lennnie!  You are a rock star 💝

If you're not into Instagram you can also find Lennnie on YouTube 

It's Lennnie

The Joy of Coloring

 

I am beginning this month's Awesome Apps feature with Happy Color.  I have been using this app for a few months now and I have found it to be really useful in a couple of ways. 

 First,  I have it on my phone so it is lightweight and portable. 

Second, it is a joy to use.  The colors just flow in a way that does something neat to my brain, everything is gorgeous and the palettes are so beautiful.  There is so much variety.  Happy Color has been around for a few years so there is a lot to choose from. I love colors, and I love looking at beautiful pictures so this really appeals to me. There is a video of your coloring after you have finished.  I have fun sharing them to Instagram.

Third, as a therapy I use it in a few different ways.  I found it to be calming after a day at work.  As an introvert it is a great way for me to recharge after having to do stuff with people.   It's also a great way to practice mindfulness.   I can't sit in lotus position for too long anymore to meditate as my knee bugs me after a while, so this is a good alternative.   There are these mandalas to do that, if you plan carefully, are very rewarding to do as they take mindfulness and focus to achieve and there is the reward when you finish of a really neat show ( which also does neat stuff to my brain).

Fourth, there is no clutter of coloring books, pens, pencils etc which appeals to me.  I already have an excess of stuff which is stressful whenever I look at it.  

I trialed this app last spring for the library... I wanted to find options for mindful coloring to promote during Mental Health Month, and decided to keep this app.  

 It's really worth paying a few dollars to get rid of the ads.   

You can find the app here at Happy Color

Just letting you know...

 

 

Be Enough

 

Some Bibliotherapy

 In keeping with my explorations of bibliotherapy, the transcribing of significant excerpts to beautiful pages makes this doubly therapeutic.   True art therapy.  

This part in particular sang to me.

To Embrace Life

When I was in the planning stages before starting this new blog, I decided that the title "Embracing Life" best described what I hoped to do. 

Whilst looking for a term that would best describe things (you know, how often the Japanese have words to describe particular effects), the only thing I could find meant something quite different.  If you Google the term "embracing life/to embrace" life usually describes finding reasons to live (in other words those without a wish to live).  

That is not me.

I felt that it was important to clarify that.  My situation has always been very different.  I struggle with guilt about existing. 

I was raised to feel like I was a burden, that there was something wrong with me, that I was unlovable. 

Nothing I ever did was able to fix that.  Essentially, my childhood was the first trauma of my life (hereby classified as Big Nasty Trauma #1).  It is only with therapy that I have begun to understand just how much damage was done to me in my formative years.  It's a lot to unpack, and I am just beginning. I know what I need to do.  I am going to re-parent myself:-

I want to nurture my heart and embrace my life, every little bit of it with love, joy and compassion.

This is my manifesto... and I want to share my experiences with you.

Enough

 

Bullet Journal!

 A fun new concept I wish to try 

I started using this awesome app called Canva a few months ago.  It was very useful ( and a lot of fun) when I was running the social media pages for the library.  Now it is for my personal use and I am having fun exploring the possibilities.  The hands holding the heart have become something that I envisage as my mission statement.  Embracing my heart, embracing my life.

Applying Self-compassion

 

Managing the Spoons

 

This is the final day plan that I have arranged on the SpoonieDay app.  On good days I manage to check off most of the boxes, and on others I practice self compassion so that I don't feel so bad about having a rest.  It's complicated and sometimes very frustrating to not have the energy I used to have. 

It's going to take a lot of time, patience and self referral to adjust to the new way of doing things.  

So until then, I am keeping it simple.  Everything planned is geared towards mental and physical health (I will explain some of the entries in later posts). 

I saw this image two years ago (on Facebook) when I was deeply depressed and it spoke to me...gave me some perspective finally on what might be happening to me.

Tiny Buddha

The Journey

I used to blog regularly about books that I had read.  It was many years and thousands of books ago.  If I looked back at it I wouldn't feel the same way about those books because I have grown considerably since I shared my thoughts about them.  

So books are a vastly huge and important part of my life.  And now, reading is all for my own pleasure.  I have wanted to look into bibliotherapy for a very long time (just never had the time whilst I was still at work).  I have been reading online articles about bibliotherapy and other connected literary therapies. It is very interesting, and I am looking forward to delving deeper into the study. 

One thing I liked immediately is the concept of making connections.  This is something I used to talk about when I was reading to primary school kids.  And of course I have so many of my own connections to many books, poems, art and fan fiction.  

I am very excited to talk about what those connections meant to me and my life so far.  

It is a lovely coincidence that the first two lines of this poem popped up on Instagram just after I had decided to retire.    My connection with this poem is that it feels so much like a description of my own personal struggle with depression, and the lifting of the clouds that finally allowed me to hear myself.    

I love Mary Oliver and just started reading her poems last year.  There is something new to be found with each reading.  

The Journey

 One day you finally knew

 what you had to do, and began, 

though the voices around you 

kept shouting 

their bad advice - 

though the whole house 

began to tremble 

and you felt the old tug

 at your ankles. 

'Mend my life!' 

each voice cried.

 But you didn't stop.

 You knew what you had to do,

 though the wind pried

 with its stiff fingers 

at the very foundations, 

though their melancholy 

was terrible. 

It was already late 

enough, and a wild night, 

and the road full of fallen 

branches and stones. 

But little by little, 

as you left their voices behind, 

the stars began to burn 

through the sheets of clouds, 

and there was a new voice 

which you slowly 

recognised as your own,

 that kept you company

 as you strode deeper and deeper

 into the world,

 determined to do

 the only thing you could do -

 determined to save 

the only life you could save.

by Mary Oliver

New and Selected Poems, Volume One.

Awesome Apps

Ever since I bought my own mobile phone I have been using it for more than just communication.   I have embraced apps whole-heartedly and I am impressed with the ingenuity of people who create such wonderful things.  Awesome Apps will be one of my features on this blog.  

My first week of retirement has been a mixed bag of stress, anxiety, frustration and exhaustion.  I have had overwhelming moments where I just haven't been able to stop my thoughts.   I have a few ways to deal with that, and I will talk about them at another time. 

 Today is about the management of energy.  The app I am featuring today was trialed over a year ago, and I discovered some interesting things about my self at that time (mostly that I did not have enough spoons to do what I did every day).

Over a year later I am using it again, because now I have a better chance of not using up my spoons,  and because I want to be mindful of what I do every day.  

 SpoonieDay by Blackburn Labs is entirely free.  The application is easy to use, there are tutorials on spoon theory and even some ideas on how to replenish spoons as well.  

To Embrace Change

 

Over two weeks ago I retired from my job early.  It had been an incredibly messy couple of weeks leading up to that.  

I have not been able to work for many months now, and after I went on summer holidays I became ill and had to go to the emergency room.  On my way back from the hospital I realised that there was no way that I would recover before school went back in, and that I would lose any progress I might have made this summer if I went back to work.  

I only have a small amount of energy to do things, and the past few months that energy has dwindled to a very meagre amount.  I have to be very careful and use what I have mindfully.

Two weeks later it was discovered that I needed to get surgery to remove my gallbladder and by that time I had decided that my health should be my only priority going forward, and that I had to chose between my job or my health.

So here I am not working, but I am still quite anxious, upset and really quite tired.  

Like I said, incredibly messy.

Apart from the practical things (arranging pensions, surgery  etc.,) there is the process of changing my life.  I think this will be a long process (I am still fighting on a daily basis the urge to get ready for work), and it will be difficult.  

I have already decided what my focus should be and that is to embrace life.  

There are many ways for me to do that so I have created this blog as a means to record my experiences and to help catalog the various means that I will try.