The Therapy Hangover

I have been in therapy for two years now and have come up with a few things to help me through the experience.

When I began I was always exhausted afterwards (even though most of the time it wasn't a distressing session), so I did some research on what might be the issue and discovered the term "therapy hangover". 

I had already made the decision right at the beginning that I should only do therapy on Fridays and after work, so that I would have the weekend to recover.  

That was okay for the first year or so, but eventually I just didn't stop being exhausted.

So now here I am, the only time that I do go out now is to see my therapist...once a month.

Quite the reversal of how things used to be.

Still, I plan ahead, free up the actual day and make sure I have things in place for when I get home again.

 I spend a lot of energy just getting there and back (forty minute drive each way), and I have talked for sixty minutes about myself.  So by the time I get home my introverted self is just exhausted, mentally and physically.  What I understand about myself is that when I am at my most tired I am also at my most anxious and I can't control my startle reflex.  Noise is not really welcome at the best of times, but when I am like that, it is awful, and I desperately need silence and solitude.  

I can't always get that, so I have a backup or two.   

FLARE earplugs will help a little .  I have a set for home and one for when I go out.  It does help to filter out the extra stimuli.   During the winter months, my weighted blanket is also really great.  I love curling up and napping under that.

I've mentioned before the importance of good quality leftovers, so for tomorrow I have prepared a big pot of mild vegetable curry and some basmati rice.   

My favourite comfy clothes are clean and ready for me and I have bookmarked some somatic exercise videos on YouTube that I would like to try.  

The basic three are covered... rest, exercise and nutrition.

Good job Me.

 

Sinkholes

I had my post-op checkup with my doctor day before yesterday.  Everything is fine...my pathology was good, my incisions have mostly healed, the bruises are gone. 

So yesterday I fell into a sinkhole (my name for an emotional low).  Everything felt oppressing, I was tired, scared, raw and vulnerable. I startled easily.

I can't seem to be able to shut off my mind when this happens. I'm always trying to figure out what is wrong, what triggered this etc.,  And the best that I can determine from this ruminating is that I am now beginning to process this latest event, now that it has been officially concluded. 

So while I was in this sinkhole, I practiced self-compassion by soothing myself in healthy ways.   I  really wanted to binge on something but since I've been a homebody for over a month now, all I had was good, healthy leftovers to snarf down (my usual binge foods would have made me very sick... high fat and or high sugar).  I have absolutely no interest in those kinds of foods anymore.  I had a container of penne with a creamy pesto sauce (all plant based).  Perfect comfort food.  I've been measuring out portions for months now (since the first attack), and after the surgery I have been eating about a cup of food at each meal.  So really, it wasn't so much as a binge but me having a yummy bowl of pasta every few hours 😋 

I can't stress enough the importance of high quality leftovers.

I also had a bubble bath, washed my hair and put on my comfiest sweats and  hoodie.  Tapped some coloring pages, read some fan fiction.  Rested.  

Everytime I started to ruminate again, I reminded myself that I had just gone through something stressful, and that I needed time to process and heal.

So love and compassion really do work when you figure out what that means for yourself. 

I feel better today and I'm happy with myself for not being destructive but nurturing instead.  Good Job me!

Be Enough

 

To Embrace Life

When I was in the planning stages before starting this new blog, I decided that the title "Embracing Life" best described what I hoped to do. 

Whilst looking for a term that would best describe things (you know, how often the Japanese have words to describe particular effects), the only thing I could find meant something quite different.  If you Google the term "embracing life/to embrace" life usually describes finding reasons to live (in other words those without a wish to live).  

That is not me.

I felt that it was important to clarify that.  My situation has always been very different.  I struggle with guilt about existing. 

I was raised to feel like I was a burden, that there was something wrong with me, that I was unlovable. 

Nothing I ever did was able to fix that.  Essentially, my childhood was the first trauma of my life (hereby classified as Big Nasty Trauma #1).  It is only with therapy that I have begun to understand just how much damage was done to me in my formative years.  It's a lot to unpack, and I am just beginning. I know what I need to do.  I am going to re-parent myself:-

I want to nurture my heart and embrace my life, every little bit of it with love, joy and compassion.

This is my manifesto... and I want to share my experiences with you.

Applying Self-compassion