Sinkholes

I had my post-op checkup with my doctor day before yesterday.  Everything is fine...my pathology was good, my incisions have mostly healed, the bruises are gone. 

So yesterday I fell into a sinkhole (my name for an emotional low).  Everything felt oppressing, I was tired, scared, raw and vulnerable. I startled easily.

I can't seem to be able to shut off my mind when this happens. I'm always trying to figure out what is wrong, what triggered this etc.,  And the best that I can determine from this ruminating is that I am now beginning to process this latest event, now that it has been officially concluded. 

So while I was in this sinkhole, I practiced self-compassion by soothing myself in healthy ways.   I  really wanted to binge on something but since I've been a homebody for over a month now, all I had was good, healthy leftovers to snarf down (my usual binge foods would have made me very sick... high fat and or high sugar).  I have absolutely no interest in those kinds of foods anymore.  I had a container of penne with a creamy pesto sauce (all plant based).  Perfect comfort food.  I've been measuring out portions for months now (since the first attack), and after the surgery I have been eating about a cup of food at each meal.  So really, it wasn't so much as a binge but me having a yummy bowl of pasta every few hours 😋 

I can't stress enough the importance of high quality leftovers.

I also had a bubble bath, washed my hair and put on my comfiest sweats and  hoodie.  Tapped some coloring pages, read some fan fiction.  Rested.  

Everytime I started to ruminate again, I reminded myself that I had just gone through something stressful, and that I needed time to process and heal.

So love and compassion really do work when you figure out what that means for yourself. 

I feel better today and I'm happy with myself for not being destructive but nurturing instead.  Good Job me!

Managing the Spoons

 

This is the final day plan that I have arranged on the SpoonieDay app.  On good days I manage to check off most of the boxes, and on others I practice self compassion so that I don't feel so bad about having a rest.  It's complicated and sometimes very frustrating to not have the energy I used to have. 

It's going to take a lot of time, patience and self referral to adjust to the new way of doing things.  

So until then, I am keeping it simple.  Everything planned is geared towards mental and physical health (I will explain some of the entries in later posts). 

I saw this image two years ago (on Facebook) when I was deeply depressed and it spoke to me...gave me some perspective finally on what might be happening to me.

Tiny Buddha

Awesome Apps

Ever since I bought my own mobile phone I have been using it for more than just communication.   I have embraced apps whole-heartedly and I am impressed with the ingenuity of people who create such wonderful things.  Awesome Apps will be one of my features on this blog.  

My first week of retirement has been a mixed bag of stress, anxiety, frustration and exhaustion.  I have had overwhelming moments where I just haven't been able to stop my thoughts.   I have a few ways to deal with that, and I will talk about them at another time. 

 Today is about the management of energy.  The app I am featuring today was trialed over a year ago, and I discovered some interesting things about my self at that time (mostly that I did not have enough spoons to do what I did every day).

Over a year later I am using it again, because now I have a better chance of not using up my spoons,  and because I want to be mindful of what I do every day.  

 SpoonieDay by Blackburn Labs is entirely free.  The application is easy to use, there are tutorials on spoon theory and even some ideas on how to replenish spoons as well.  

To Embrace Change

 

Over two weeks ago I retired from my job early.  It had been an incredibly messy couple of weeks leading up to that.  

I have not been able to work for many months now, and after I went on summer holidays I became ill and had to go to the emergency room.  On my way back from the hospital I realised that there was no way that I would recover before school went back in, and that I would lose any progress I might have made this summer if I went back to work.  

I only have a small amount of energy to do things, and the past few months that energy has dwindled to a very meagre amount.  I have to be very careful and use what I have mindfully.

Two weeks later it was discovered that I needed to get surgery to remove my gallbladder and by that time I had decided that my health should be my only priority going forward, and that I had to chose between my job or my health.

So here I am not working, but I am still quite anxious, upset and really quite tired.  

Like I said, incredibly messy.

Apart from the practical things (arranging pensions, surgery  etc.,) there is the process of changing my life.  I think this will be a long process (I am still fighting on a daily basis the urge to get ready for work), and it will be difficult.  

I have already decided what my focus should be and that is to embrace life.  

There are many ways for me to do that so I have created this blog as a means to record my experiences and to help catalog the various means that I will try.