Managing the Spoons

 

This is the final day plan that I have arranged on the SpoonieDay app.  On good days I manage to check off most of the boxes, and on others I practice self compassion so that I don't feel so bad about having a rest.  It's complicated and sometimes very frustrating to not have the energy I used to have. 

It's going to take a lot of time, patience and self referral to adjust to the new way of doing things.  

So until then, I am keeping it simple.  Everything planned is geared towards mental and physical health (I will explain some of the entries in later posts). 

I saw this image two years ago (on Facebook) when I was deeply depressed and it spoke to me...gave me some perspective finally on what might be happening to me.

Tiny Buddha

The Journey

I used to blog regularly about books that I had read.  It was many years and thousands of books ago.  If I looked back at it I wouldn't feel the same way about those books because I have grown considerably since I shared my thoughts about them.  

So books are a vastly huge and important part of my life.  And now, reading is all for my own pleasure.  I have wanted to look into bibliotherapy for a very long time (just never had the time whilst I was still at work).  I have been reading online articles about bibliotherapy and other connected literary therapies. It is very interesting, and I am looking forward to delving deeper into the study. 

One thing I liked immediately is the concept of making connections.  This is something I used to talk about when I was reading to primary school kids.  And of course I have so many of my own connections to many books, poems, art and fan fiction.  

I am very excited to talk about what those connections meant to me and my life so far.  

It is a lovely coincidence that the first two lines of this poem popped up on Instagram just after I had decided to retire.    My connection with this poem is that it feels so much like a description of my own personal struggle with depression, and the lifting of the clouds that finally allowed me to hear myself.    

I love Mary Oliver and just started reading her poems last year.  There is something new to be found with each reading.  

The Journey

 One day you finally knew

 what you had to do, and began, 

though the voices around you 

kept shouting 

their bad advice - 

though the whole house 

began to tremble 

and you felt the old tug

 at your ankles. 

'Mend my life!' 

each voice cried.

 But you didn't stop.

 You knew what you had to do,

 though the wind pried

 with its stiff fingers 

at the very foundations, 

though their melancholy 

was terrible. 

It was already late 

enough, and a wild night, 

and the road full of fallen 

branches and stones. 

But little by little, 

as you left their voices behind, 

the stars began to burn 

through the sheets of clouds, 

and there was a new voice 

which you slowly 

recognised as your own,

 that kept you company

 as you strode deeper and deeper

 into the world,

 determined to do

 the only thing you could do -

 determined to save 

the only life you could save.

by Mary Oliver

New and Selected Poems, Volume One.

Awesome Apps

Ever since I bought my own mobile phone I have been using it for more than just communication.   I have embraced apps whole-heartedly and I am impressed with the ingenuity of people who create such wonderful things.  Awesome Apps will be one of my features on this blog.  

My first week of retirement has been a mixed bag of stress, anxiety, frustration and exhaustion.  I have had overwhelming moments where I just haven't been able to stop my thoughts.   I have a few ways to deal with that, and I will talk about them at another time. 

 Today is about the management of energy.  The app I am featuring today was trialed over a year ago, and I discovered some interesting things about my self at that time (mostly that I did not have enough spoons to do what I did every day).

Over a year later I am using it again, because now I have a better chance of not using up my spoons,  and because I want to be mindful of what I do every day.  

 SpoonieDay by Blackburn Labs is entirely free.  The application is easy to use, there are tutorials on spoon theory and even some ideas on how to replenish spoons as well.  

To Embrace Change

 

Over two weeks ago I retired from my job early.  It had been an incredibly messy couple of weeks leading up to that.  

I have not been able to work for many months now, and after I went on summer holidays I became ill and had to go to the emergency room.  On my way back from the hospital I realised that there was no way that I would recover before school went back in, and that I would lose any progress I might have made this summer if I went back to work.  

I only have a small amount of energy to do things, and the past few months that energy has dwindled to a very meagre amount.  I have to be very careful and use what I have mindfully.

Two weeks later it was discovered that I needed to get surgery to remove my gallbladder and by that time I had decided that my health should be my only priority going forward, and that I had to chose between my job or my health.

So here I am not working, but I am still quite anxious, upset and really quite tired.  

Like I said, incredibly messy.

Apart from the practical things (arranging pensions, surgery  etc.,) there is the process of changing my life.  I think this will be a long process (I am still fighting on a daily basis the urge to get ready for work), and it will be difficult.  

I have already decided what my focus should be and that is to embrace life.  

There are many ways for me to do that so I have created this blog as a means to record my experiences and to help catalog the various means that I will try.